10 Lessons My Breakup Taught Me About Love

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Love is blind, and hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes when we are in relationships, we are so blinded by our feelings that we fail to realize that our partner isn’t giving us what we need or even deserve. Here’re ten lessons my break-up from my long-term boyfriend of three years and fiance taught me about love.

A man who loves you will not make you question his loyalty.

breakup lessons

He won’t hide his text messages from you and refuse to give you his phone password. He will not wait until you go to sleep every night to have sexual and inappropriate  conversations with other women, then blame the fact that you go to bed early every night for work the next day thus leaving him “bored.” He will not use drunkenness as an excuse when he goes too far with someone else. He will not have sex with a girl who he claims is just a friend, and then make you feel crazy for acting on your gut instinct and confronting him about it. He will not cheat on you with two different women two weeks before he is planning to propose, and still be sadistic enough to cry and he holds your left hand and tells he wants “forever” with you.  He will not give the impression to others that he is not committed to you. He will not have the audacity to sleep with another woman and then come home to you and tell you he loves you and hold you while knowing he is making you live a lie. A man who loves you will never make you question his ability to stay faithful to you and your relationship.

A man who loves you will not make you feel like you have to dim your star, so his can shine.

breakup lessons

He will not withhold praise from you because it makes him feel better about himself. He will not constantly tell you how unfunny, unintelligent, or anything “un” you are. He will not tell you to “shut up” repeatedly in front of others because he doesn’t like what you are saying or agree with you. He will not become bitter and withdraw from you when something exciting that you worked hard for happens in your life. He will not make you feel so worthless and unlovable that you don’t think the real you is worth anything to anyone. His presence will not be the wet blanket on top of your personality. A man who loves you will consistently hold you up and encourage you to be better every day.

A man who loves you will communicate his feelings to you.

breakup lessons

He will not push you away and act out when he is hurt or frustrated. He will not keep you on an emotional roller coaster by constantly changing his stance on how he feels about you. A man who loves you will be honest with you about where he stands in your relationship.

A man who loves you is mature and ready for commitment.

breakup lessons

He does not act like a 12-year-old boy. He does not treat you like his mother instead of his mate. He especially does not pull away from you every time your relationship takes the “next’ step. He will not propose to you so that he can continue to control and manipulate you. A man who loves you will pull his weight in the relationship and joyfully progress in your relationship.

A man who loves you makes you feel like the most important person in his life.

breakup lessons

During your time together he will not make you feel like he’s doing you a favor by spending time with you or like his plans wth you were the last resort. He will not make you feel like he is hiding your relationship from the world. He will not be on his phone the whole time you are together, and then tell you you’re selfish when you ask him to put it away for a few minutes. He will not put anything and everything above your relationship or life together. A man who loves you will make you a priority and show you that you are one.

A man who loves you will not toy with your heart.
breakup lessons

He will not play childish mind games to try to get the upper hand in the relationship. He will not string you along. He will not tell you he loves you and then changes his mind. He will not withhold affection or communication to “punish you” or “show you a lesson” when he feels like you have done something wrong or not to his liking. He will not lie to you and manipulate you to keep you under his thumb. He will not have split persoanlities: one that he shows the world, and one that he shows only to you at home. A man who loves you will not mentally and emotionally abuse you. He will treat your heart and love like it is something of value to him.

A man who loves you will add value to your life, not diminish it.

breakup lessons

He will not be disliked by every single one of your friends and family members. He will not discourage you from pursuing interests or hanging out with your friends. He will not isolate you from people you love in an effort to control you.He will not drag you down with his personal issues and lies. He will not be such a toxic influence in your life that your friends and family start to distance themselves from you because they can’t bear to see you continue to let yourself be abused and manipulated. A man who loves you will add value to your life in every aspect.

A man who loves you will take equal accountability in your relationship.

breakup lessons

He will not manipulate you into thinking everything’s your fault and that you deserve to be treated less than for it. He will not force every decision in your relationship from where you eat lunch to what time of year you want to get married. He will not tell you you’re crazy, worthless, or don’t deserve his love. He will not gaslight you and make you question your sanity. He will not purposefully do things to hurt you, and then tell you you’re selfish for not forgiving his lies. A man who loves you will admit when he is wrong and make an effort to change. 

A man who loves you will not make you feel like you can’t depend on him.

breakup lessons

He will not break every commitment he has ever made to you. He will not be the most unstable person in your life. He will not abandon you or be M.I.A when you need him the most. He will not make you feel alone or unsafe. A man who loves you will be the person you know you can always go to & depend on to be there for you.

A man who loves you will stick by your side for better or for worse.

breakup lessons

Most of all, he will not run like a scared puppy with his tail in between his legs every time your relationship hits a rough patch. He will respect what you have enough not to throw it all away every time he gets “stressed” or “overwhelmed.” A man who loves you will understand that your relationship might not always be perfect, but that he would rather be with you in the rough times than not be with you during them at all.

If you or someone you love is in a mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive relationship, PLEASE get help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is open 24/7 to help you get resources and help you get out of your toxic relationship.

What are some lessons you’ve learned about love after a break-up? Let me know in the comments. 


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About Chloe

Chloe is a San Antonio, TX native who loves margaritas and brunch almost as much as she loves reading a good book and a catching up on Empire. Learn more about Just a Girl in This World, click on the "About" tab in the main menu.

5 thoughts on “10 Lessons My Breakup Taught Me About Love

  1. You’ve written all these bad things he did yet you put up with it? Why? To have a ring on your finger? Don’t blame him for a failed relationship/engagement. You should’ve walked away a LONG time ago. You are just as much at fault.

    1. I 100% agree with you that I should have walked away. I wanted to and tried several times but I always got pulled back in by love,charisma, and manipulation. When you’re in the vortex it can be very hard to see everything that’s going on. Especially when you are being gaslighted and made to think your gut feelings and emotions are crazy and irrational.

      There’s a reason why so many women stay in abusive relationships. Some of the strongest women I have ever met were women who survived these types of relationships.

      To be perfectly honest, the cheating was something I ignored my instincts about because I wanted to trust him SO badly. I mean, who doesn’t want to trust the person they love and think they are capable of lying to their face? A lot comes to light after you do find the courage to let go. I learned a lot of lessons from this whole ordeal and I will never lose my whole being to make a man happy ever again. I love myself more.

  2. AMEN! I truly never realized how emotionally damaged I was due to my off and on again relationship of almost four years. The toxic relationship literally broke me down to the lowest low. I never imagined I would be THAT girl that let someone destroy her completely.
    However, after FINALLY sticking up for myself and actually becoming an independent person for once in my life, I was incredibly happier than ever(obviously didn’t happen overnight). And when I least expected it I fell in love with someone I actually had first met when I was 15… years later, thanks to a mutual friend we were “reintroduced” to each other (I guess is what I would call it). From the moment we started legit just hanging out as friends, he treated me with so much respect. We connected so well and our friendship quickly developed into something more. And my goodness anything and everything he did and continues to do for me has me saying “WOW is this real LOVE? THIS is the way I am supposed to be treated?” Everything I had to beg my ex to do for me, this man does it without me saying a word because he wants to.. because he truly loves me. Now fast forward almost two and a half years… it hasn’t always been rainbows and butterflies every single day; we’ve been thrown with some crazy obstacles in our individual lives, but TOGETHER we got through it and became stronger as a couple. Now we are newly engaged and slowly trying to build our future one day at a time. I want to keep going, but I’ll never end! Sorry for my long long comment, but I had to share my experience and tell you or anyone reading that it will get better. Not saying I went through exactly what you or anyone did, but there are some similarities. Stay strong and keep inspiring young women! 💪🏼

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! I know someday I’ll get my happy ending but I’m focused on building myself up again and making ME, MY priority. It’s scary starting all over again, but I’m excited to get reacquainted with myself and move forward.

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