I was going to have my dream wedding with the love of my life.
And then my fiance ended our engagement 47 days before our wedding… In a text message.
I mean, I knew we had some issues, but it wasn’t like we hadn’t gotten through much worse before. I attributed the stress we had both been experiencing as pretty reasonable considering the fact that I was starting my career, we were living together officially for the first time, and he was trying to finish his last semester of school- all while planning our wedding. I’m the type of person who believes that love is a choice. The decision to pick that person every single day for the rest of your life- and I thought he was too. So when he blindsided me one morning with the omission that he just really didn’t believe he was ready to be married, my initial reaction was utter confusion.
Was this something we could get over and work out?
Who ends a wedding 47 days beforehand?
Who the hell have I been planning this life with for so long?
Since ending our engagement, I am just as confused as I was the moment it happened. While I have had clarity about why things ended and more specifically why they had to, I am left with one burning question:
How will I ever trust anyone enough again to believe them when they say, “forever?”
Every girl is admittedly a little skeptical and untrusting about love, and after having people walk in and out of my life with no remorse and losing some of the people I have loved the most unexpectedly I am even more so. My dad has sworn to me that when I meet the right man I won’t ever question his loyalty or his love for me, but after everything that’s happened I feel like I have a 100 foot wall with an electric fence, thorns, and a 24 hour guard with an automatic machine gun around my heart.
While some days have been easier than others accepting that my life is going to be much different than the one I expected to live, there’re three things I have learned and tell myself every day:
I was engaged, and then I wasn’t. The world didn’t stop, and my heart’s still beating. I will (eventually) heal from this.
Love is a choice. It says nothing about me that my partner stopped choosing love. I have no reason to beat myself up or feel less confident about my “lovability.”
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. There were warning signs I chose to ignore throughout the whole relationship. I won’t be so ignorant again.
I spent ten months of my life (and thousands and thousands of dollars) planning a wedding that didn’t happen, and three years of my life with a guy who ripped my heart to shreds over and over again. While that sucks, at least I didn’t (or attempt to) spend my life with a man who would never love me the way I deserved to be loved. I may not be perfect, but I deserve a love that makes me feel safe, makes me a better person and doesn’t run away when things get tough.
I was engaged, and then I wasn’t. I’ll be okay.
Have you ever had to end an engagement or knew someone that did? Tell me in the comments.