You were not in love; you were abused.
The constant longing to be close to or near to him had nothing to do with love and everything to do with the fact that he purposefully showered you with affection and then pulled away to see you chase after him- and you always did.
The happy tears you cried because you felt so lucky to have him had nothing to do with love and everything to do with the fact that he broke you down and made you feel worthless so you would always think you needed him.
The soul connection that you felt with him had nothing to do with love and everything to do with the fact that he was and is a master manipulator.
The desperate attempts you made to trust him even though your gut and loved ones told you not to had nothing to do with love and everything to do with the fact that he could look you dead in the eyes and lie to you about anything from the money he was stealing from you (for the drugs & alcohol he wasn’t consuming, and dates he wasn’t taking girls on, of course) to the woman he swore he wasn’t cheating on you with.
So no, you were not in love.
You were manipulated, broken down, and lied to so that he could gleefully watch as he destroyed you. He got pleasure in your pain, and you kept crawling back to him like a dog that crawls back to its cruel master expecting love after it’s been beaten and starved.
All the times he told you that you weren’t pretty or smart enough?
All the times he told you to shut-up in front of others?
All the times he told you,”I wish you would just die. My life would be so much easier if you did?”
All those times were proof that he was abusing you and not loving you.
You can’t truly love someone who abuses you.
Don’t you dare tell yourself that you weren’t enough to keep his love. You were more than enough, and that’s why he broke you down -because he could never be.
Don’t you dare tell yourself it’s your fault because you let him treat you that way. You had no way of seeing the abuse while it was happening. You chose to see the best in someone and believe that people don’t inherently suck- that’s not weakness, that’s strength (and one that I hope you never lose).
Moving forward, I hope you take the lessons you have learned and the heartache you’ve gone through to become the woman you always could.
I hope you go out into the world and spread kindness because you know whats its like not to be shown kindness. I hope you love others who have been hurt and hold their hand and be their shoulder to cry on.
I hope you realize you deserve so much more than what he put you through and accept love willingly when it comes your way. Not everyone has bad intentions or is going to turn their back on you.
Most of all, when you think back on the great loves of your life I hope you don’t even consider him for a second because you know you were not in love, you were abused.
A Girl Who Learned the Same Lesson You Had to